Dear World Race Blog,

I've been putting this off for a while now, but I think it's finally time to talk. It's been good, in fact, it's been amazing, but I think it is time that we part ways. Trust me, it's not you, it's me. It's just that I have changed a lot this year and am moving into a new season in life. I can't continue to define myself by this last season together if I'm going to move into the next one and expect to grow. I will cherish our times together, good and bad. I've loved your simplicity and clear identity. I've loved sharing my life with you, you have been a true friend. It is time for me to move on though, and I've actually met someone new. His name is Wordpress. We've been spending a lot of time together and have created something called Beautiful Dust. It's been really awesome and I hope you will be happy for me. I wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Sheila

Yup. We're breaking up. 

It's time. I've been home a while now. I've processed, cried, become a hermit, got back out again, cried, gotten homesick for the Race, processed, tried new things, gotten involved in new community, gotten some next steps for my life, cried, missed my old community and here I am. Yeah, it's a process. 

I compare getting off the Race to this scene in the Chronicles of Narnia movie: Prince Caspian. It's at the end of the movie where the 4 Pevensy kids leave Narnia (through a crazy, invisible door!) and appear back in the train station where they first left. When they appear back in the train station, it's actually been only a split second that they've been gone from the "real world." Trains hurtle through the station, other kids are still yelling at them, life is still rushing by. It's rushing and going on as though nothing has changed. Yet, everything has changed for them. They've been through years of experiences and growth in Narnia, they've grown up and become kings and queens, they've met new best friends, developed deep relationships and even fallen in love. And they come back to a world and a place that is still going on like nothing is different and doesn't really recognize that the other world existed. Where others still treat them as children when they have actually spent a lot of time growing up. They can't really talk about their experiences with others because others will probably think they are crazy. Are they? Was it all in their heads or did they really experience it? Was all this growth and hardship worth it if everyone treats them the same as they did 5 minutes before they left? It's hard. No one will ever quite understand it except for the siblings that went through it with them. They're going to have to move on, obviously, but they're going to need each other. They're going to need community. And they're going to need to be acknowledged as changed. 

I don't mean to be all melodramatic but this really rings true for me. It's a hard thing to adjust to a new you in an old life. But it's time to keep moving. Life is moving. If I don't start moving, it's gonna leave me behind. And I can't afford that now, the stakes are too high. God's given me all the tools and direction I need to further His kingdom so I have to get started! Lives are too precious to leave them unchanged by His love. 

So here I go. I went to a conference called Searchlight a few weeks ago that was put on by the AIM organization: Kingdom Dreams. For one week a whole bunch of alumni Racers got together and spurred each other on to clarify the dream God put on their hearts and GO DO IT. 

1 John 2:3-6 "We know that we have come to know (God)  if we obey His commands. The man who says, "I know Him," but does not do what He commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys His Word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did."

Boom. Those have to be the 4 most dangerous verses in the Bible. Seriously! If that's not black and white and politically incorrect in our religious culture than I don't know what is.

A year or two ago, I thought I lived in Him. I did what I was told. I read my Bible every so often, I wasn't rebellious, I prayed, I tithed, I raised my hands during worship. After this year on the Race I look back at that time and shake my head. I had no freaking clue. None. And looking at the church now only makes me more certain of it- most have us have no freaking clue! We have no idea how much we don't get these verses and how far we are from God.

So if you're intrigued by this, the next logical step is starting to walk like Jesus, right? To truly know God. But, do you know what walking like Jesus really looks like? Have you read the Bible? See, Jesus didn't wear a suit and go to all the prayer meetings and say all the "right" things and live a complacent, normal life. Most of the time, Jesus looked like He should be in an insane asylum. He walked into funerals and commanded dead people to get up. He grabbed a whip and chased vendors out of the temple. He used gross figures of speech when He preached. He picked arguments and challenged religious leaders who thought they knew it all. He healed people and did mind-blowing miracles in public. He spit in the dirt and rubbed it on someone's eyes to heal them. He hung out with prostitutes, money collectors and religious leaders. He woke up before sunlight and spent hours talking to God. He didn't have personal possessions to speak of. He didn't care if people knew He was a leader. He wasn't concerned with making money or climbing the corporate ladder or buying the American Dream. He didn't care if His body was in physical danger. He didn't blink when He was told that people wanted to kill Him. He wasn't surprised when He got beaten. He was insane.

Now, if you're freaking out a little and trying to explain away what I just wrote, read the verses again at the top of the page..... maybe even read some Bible stories to check up on my facts. If you believe the Bible is true than you should believe this. Seems pretty direct to me. Knowing God = living like Jesus. But why on earth would we do that? See, here's the tiny thought that brought me on the Race last year and the amazing realization that keeps me going even though I screw up and wimp out all the time- 

HIS LOVE IS WORTH IT.

And if you don't think His love is a fair reward for looking like an idiot the rest of your life, than you have not truly encountered His love and you do not truly know Him. His love is powerful and you would know if you'd encountered it. If you did... if you even had the tiniest realization of His love for you... if you really did... you would drop anything to encounter it more and more. You would collapse to the floor and sob if you encountered one beat of His heart. You would cross oceans and countries and cultures to get closer to Him. You would get uncomfortable and weird and scared for Him. You would know that a savings account and a 401k are worthless compared to knowing Him more. You would know that crossing the room for that person and looking awkward is nothing compared to the love and peace you'll encounter because of obedience. 

It says in verse 5 that "if anyone obeys His word, God's love is made complete in him." I want that. For His love to be made complete in me. If we step out in this radical, insane obedience and really walk as Jesus did, we will start encountering more deeply His love for us. And again, if we don't think His love is worth it, than we haven't truly encountered Him. See, Jesus knew. He didn't care what He looked like here on earth because He knew how much God loved Him (and us) and how much that love was worth. God IS love. If Jesus didn't think God/love was worth it, He wouldn't have radically died on the cross for our sins. 

If Jesus thought dying for this love was worth it, what do we think think it's worth and how can we give anything less than our lives for it?

What would you do right now if you knew His love was worth it? 

As I was unpacking my daypack (Racer term for the normal backpack that you wear in the front so you can carry the monstrous version of it on your back.) for the last time, I had to laugh at all the random crap I had been stuffing in there. And at how overstuffed it was. And then I thought that you might laugh too. So here you go, a peek into the dark, conveniently mid-sized innards of a daypack.

• ipod & headphones - not pictured but completely necessary and always there
• 2 old journals - I could never trust mailing them home
• 1 current journal - all good missionaries should be journaling
• Bible
• note papers
• book from awesome prophetic conference in Joburg
• notebook for notes and foreign languages
• 2 folders filled with random accumulated papers
• "Old Faithful" netbook computer - poor guy's been through a lot
• 8 Nescafe instant coffee packets a.k.a. Lifesavers
• necklace - don't know how this got in here
• 2 headbands, one made out of a t-shirt that nearly made it the whole Race
• 4 bracelets
• 1 bracelet in the making
• 2 packets of tissues
• swatch of toilet paper -  you learn to hoard things like this
• 4 refreshing towelette packs from assorted airlines - also hoard these
• 2 empty ziplocs - and these
• 1 pouch filled with electronic cords and things 
• 1 Malaysian outlet adapter
• 1 travel alarm clock
• 2 keychains
• 1 feather earring
• 1 chik-fil-a cow figurine
• 1 bottle of advil - travel days are a headache, harhar
• 1 orange lollipop
• 1 comb
• 3 bottles of dramamine - I only used them at the beginning
• 1 tiny vaseline tub - that's a lie, I'm not sure how the vaseline got in this picture. I'm sure it would've been a great idea, but I did not take it on the Race
• 1 stick of deodorant - always keep it close on travel days
• 1 hair clip
• 1 ziploc of feminine products 
• 2 airline toothbrushes - Quatar is so thoughtful!
• 2 motion sickness wristbands - used only at the beginning
• 1 pair of airline gifted ear plugs
• 1 box of oil pastels - I like to be a creative journaler
• 3 bottles of hand sanitizer - huh. didn't realize I was hoarding this one
• 1 tie strap - in case I needed to strap something on if my big pack was too heavy
• 2 tote bags - also come in handy if your big pack is overweight
• 3 sleep masks, 2 gifts from airlines and 1 I brought - I never actually used a sleep mask the entire Race. Don't use 'em at home, not sure why I thought I'd use 'em abroad. There's actually a few other things I could add to this list... :)
• 1 strand of fake hair - from our "dreads in Africa" phase
• 1 hot pink fan - really comes in handy in sweaty customs lines
• 1 packet of baby wipes - especially good on bus travel days

Not pictured:

• Camera and case
• Stolen airplane blanket

***** NOTES FOR FUTURE RACERS *****

Obviously this isn't a real packing list and it's only my daypack, but it is really what I packed in there for quite a bit of the Race. Here's a few tips that apply to packing in general.....

• PACKING CUBES ARE #1! YOU NEED THEM!
• Bring plenty of ziplocs for liquids and travel day trail mixes. (but you can get more overseas so don't overload)
• Store things in compartments- like clothing in packing cubes and random odds 'n ends in pouches, you will not regret this. It's so much easier to get to things and keeps you from losing stuff.
• Consider a rolling backpack or duffel. There were plenty of times I cursed in my head for not having a rolling one but never once was I glad to have 55 pounds attached to my back.
• Bring normal clothes. And something to get dirty in. And something to look nice in. But nothing you're too attached to. You will probably recycle your entire wardrobe at least 5 times before the Race is over. I wouldn't have expected that either, but somehow it happens.
• Mess kits get ditched pretty quick. The most I'd bring is a collapsible bowl or something. A set of fork/knife/spoon is extremely useful though.
• You probably won't believe me (I didn't believe previous Racers either), but you really can find pretty much everything  you need overseas. If not during the month, you'll find it at a debrief location. Only bring extra if there's a specific product that is extremely necessary to you. 
• A good rule of thumb: If you wear/use it at home, you will wear/use it on the Race. If you do NOT wear/use it at home, you most likely will NOT wear/use it on the Race. You will definitely pick up styles and habits on the Race but not all of the old ones are lost. My case in point- chacos. Didn't wear them at home, don't know why I thought I'd wear them on the Race. They were ditched by month 2 and I wore cheapo flip flips the rest of the Race.
• Make you Race your own. Bring hobbies and interests from home that will fit in your pack. Like paints and artsy things if you do that. Or make a point to pick up cheap things like that on your way. By the end of my Race half our squad was crocheting cool hats. Stay creative and inspired.
• There isn't really anything I'd wish I'd brought that I didn't besides a face toner that I was able to pick up later on. The only thing I really regret bringing that I didn't just ditch is my tent. Used it for a total of 6 days and lugged it around for 11 months. Yup. You should definitely still bring one because you might end up on the team that is out in the bush every month. It's the luck of the draw though, and that wasn't ever my team, sadly. Butyoushouldstillbringone,don'tblamemeifyouneedonethewholeracebutyoudidn'tbringonebasedonthisblog.oops.

Hope this is useful, I'll try to add more later if I think of anything. 

At training camp my biggest fear was that I would get put on an all-girls team. I had many reasons prepared if perhaps I was given a choice.

Extremely important ones like:

guys are cute,

guys are fun,

girls have drama,

guys are helpful in killing critters,

girls scream a lot, and

guys won't borrow my hair products.

And of course the real, underlying ones like:

maybe I'll marry one of them, and

I need good Christian men in my life.

Anyway, my list of reasons weren't needed and I ended up having awesome guys on my teams for 8 months. I am not marrying any of them, however. Still single in case you were wondering, but I digress…..

It was funny that, during month 8 when we became Team JUGS (Just Us GirlS haha), I actually looked forward to it. Not that our guys weren't awesome, but I realized that there's a certain connection and openness an all-girls team can have that a mixed team probably can't. One of my worst fears became one of my biggest blessings. And it couldn't have become such a blessing without each one of my awesome sisters. They're such an awesome mixture of strength, vulnerability, honesty, beauty, humility, gentleness, and determination. We have pushed and pulled each other. Feedbacked and encouraged each other. Punched and hugged each other. Laughed and cried with each other. We are sisters. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

You see, being around girls all the time makes you more aware of guys and through this we have learned an alarming fact: there is an astonishing lack of real men on this earth. Now, I'm not talking about the hunting, outdoorsy, sports-playing, body-building, beer-drinking, no-shirt-wearing men either. That has nothing to do with it. I'm talking about REAL men. Men of God. Men who take responsibility for themselves and those in their care. Men who care more about pleasing God rather than anyone else around them. Men who lead with courage and don't wait for someone else to take the first step. Men willing to pursue and fight for what and who they hold dear. Men who value and uphold themselves with dignity and honor. Men who are sure of themselves and don't remold to fit into a relationship. Radical men who do what God wants rather than what looks good. Men who don't have to prove to anyone that they are men. They just are.

In the past 11 months, God has annoyingly done some work on my standards for men. It's annoying because He has shown me that real men do exist but He has also revealed that there are so darn few of them. He has told me not to settle for just anyone but if there aren't many men who meet God's standards, am I just supposed to become a nun? You can see the predicament.

 

Women outnumber guys on our squad 3 to 1 and I'm sure it's more than that over the broader scope of missions work and the Church. Women are stepping up and being radical all over the world but where are the men who are supposed to be leading us? I applaud the men who have already stepped into the identity God has called them to. Keep going! I'm writing this for the men who are hesitating. The ones sitting at home getting caught up in the American Dream and the Pursuit of Whatever. There's more. There's a bigger life God has called you too. The same God who called Paul, John the Baptist, David, Moses, Peter, Steven and all the other radical men in the Bible, that same God is calling you! So please answer the call. On behalf of all of us women I beg you, please answer it! We need you! Will the real men please stand up!?!

 

These fine specimens are asking YOU! ;-)

Within 24 hours of arriving at our base ministry location in Malaysia, my team and our awesome squad leaders downsized our packs and hit the road again on a marathon trip to a few cities around northern Malaysia to preach and pray. In our first week here we were to travel to a total of 5 different cities. We pretty much hit the ground running. Or jogging. At least a nice-paced power walk.

We're tired. Exhausted. Drained. All of the above. We've been traveling for 11 months. We actually look forward to days spent on a plane or bus because that is however many hours that we can rest and not be required to think. Our bodies are tired. We feel (and look) about 20 years older. We've seen a lot. We've done a lot. We've been “on” for 11 months and we have reached the breaking point. I used to read blogs of Racers who slept for a week upon their return home and wondered how they did it. I know now. You can't imagine being here until you're here. You can't imagine collapsing sobbing in front of a convenience store after carrying your pack for 12 hours or so on one last travel day until you do it. It's a precarious emotional state, this Month 11. J

Anyway, to sum it up, we were pretty tired as we left for our third city in as many days. Kristen and I preached to a small group of girls in a morning service, then we all plugged in our ipods and braced ourselves for a stuffy van ride over the mountains. The stuffy, cramped van ride did not disappoint and I thought I was seeing mirages of signs for strawberries as we reached the top of one mountain. We rounded a corner and I saw that the signs had not been a mirage. In fact, ahead of us were some buildings and an even bigger sign with chocolate covered strawberries on it! We pointed out this anomaly to each other with our insides wilting at the fact that we were just going to have to watch this magical place fade in our rearview mirror. But then, against all odds, the van slowed down. Could it be? We slowly started chanting out loud and, as we turned into the parking lot of this magical place, the van erupted in cheers and ecstatic sobs. After filling ourselves with strawberry milkshakes and chocolaty treats for half an hour, we were on our way again with our spirits somewhat lifted. However, when the heady strawberry high left and we realized we were hot, sweaty, tired messes that had to preach that same night at a prayer service, our spirits took a strong dive.

We arrived at the service just praying to make it through without collapsing. Then God showed up. The service started out with 10 minutes of prayer and in those 10 minutes, the Holy Spirit completely refreshed us. He lifted us out of the dumpy place our spirits were in and encouraged us and gave us a shot of energy. Ruth and Lindsey delivered powerful messages and we prayed and prophesied over the congregation. We were taken out for dinner afterwards and ended our late night in a good place with some teh tarik (delicious tea) and a soft mattress. The rest of the week we preached our hearts out, sang and danced, prayed over everyone we came in contact with, and collapsed at night.

The point of this story? That God provides rest for your soul. There's a deep exhaustion in your spirit that only God can get you out of. Like I said before, I'm beat. We all are. We get irritated with each other. We get tired of preaching. Of praying. Of kids' ministry. Of team time. Of traveling. Of meeting another strange face. Of singing “Making Melodies” one more time. Yet, we are still doing it. It is month 11 and by God's grace we are still doing  what we came here to do. Our spirits and our flesh are weak but as we put one foot ahead of the other in faith, God is giving us the strength to keep going. Whether it's chocolate covered strawberries or intimate prayer times with Him, when we are at our worst, He is there to pick us up and use us for His glory.

I know what Paul means when he says “it is Christ IN me.” I'm really not doing this anymore. There is no way that tired, no-makeup, afraid-of-public-speaking Sheila could do this month. I preached to 300-350 people for 40 minutes on Sunday morning. I'm telling you- I DON'T DO THIS. There's no freaking way. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

After the last update on the Haiti orphanage situation, I'm sick to my stomach.

I'm pissed.

I'm livid actually.

And I'm going on a rant….

Children are missing.

Children that did not deserve their lot in life.

Children that were defenseless.

Children that had no say in the matter.

Children with faces and names.

Children with pinchable cheeks and huge smiles.

They are missing.

They were abused.

They have vanished.

Corruption is being acknowledged and ignored.

Shoulders are shrugging.

Comments and opinions are flying around.

Fingers are being pointed.

Arguments are being given.

People ask why we aren't focusing on helping our own country's children-- Who said anything about WE? Why aren't YOU helping them? Why is the job of helping Americans the responsibility of those who have obviously been called to go overseas? And- for God so loved THE WORLD. Jesus didn't die for only Americans, He died for everyone. He didn't love just Americans, He loved everyone. He didn't tell us to love only Americans, He told us to love everyone. Jesus' kingdom is the whole world. As sons and daughters of the King we are therefore responsible for THE WHOLE WORLD.

And all those people putting blame on the organizations that were trying to help? Shame on you! How dare you point fingers from your comfortable couch! These are the only people on the ground actually doing something. If it weren't for them, you wouldn't even be aware these children were missing! They are the ones whose fingers aren't pointing and blaming, but helping and loving.

People say the government should have looked into this earlier or should crack down on the Haitian government. Where in the Bible does Jesus say for the government to take care of the orphans and widows? Jesus spoke to US. Can you stomach that? Did you know it was YOUR responsibility to help all the hurting in the world and not a welfare check's? If the true Church had been running this orphanage from the start this wouldn't even be happening. And when I say Church I don't mean a board of trustees somewhere in a conference room. I mean the living, breathing souls that God has called to follow Him. I mean YOU and ME. WE are called to fix these problems. WE are called to the world. WE are called to love the sick, the dying, the prostitutes, the thieves, the gang members, the homosexuals, the Muslims, the orphans, the widows, the atheists and the Methodists. WE are called to everywhere and to everyone. To the ends of the earth.

I know I don't normally post blogs like this but I can't bring myself to apologize. These are my current, livid thoughts. Take it or leave it.

I stole this from a pretty funny fellow racer- Joy Robertson